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[14 Jul 2005|02:05pm] |
last day of summer school. harry potter!!!
i just realized i forgot my locker combo and for some reason it really upset me. it was kind of sobering like, wow the year's really over. what a year.
i don't know what to get foley for his birthday. With alex its always really easy but what does one get for a boy if not something boring like a watch or a sweater or a cd?
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| im so lonesome i could... update my lj |
[03 Jul 2005|09:45pm] |
fire works are making me sad and lonely for my ex boyfriend. i need to snap out of it fast before i do something ridiculous like call him.
the cannibal killed me. i'm so smart to do the 5k...it was the most hardcore race i've ever done. (and i loved the signs on the side of the road: "my car can't even drive up this hill! Aren't you tired?" I'd like to know the sadistic bitches who put those up...because it was hilarious.)
pretty fun day. I went out to lunch with alex and then talked to jenny on the phone. I ran over to jane's which was nice because i never see her any more and her dad was there being funny and we all lit fire works. Her dog izzy would run around and bark at them just like dogs bark at fire hydrants it was hilarious. jane's so incredible-her goal is to "cycle a hundred miles this weekend" wish i saw more of her.
i think i'm dying-i feel like i have an ulcer and i coughed up a little blood the other day. I think it's from all the cookie dough/blt/doughnuts/general crap i've been eating. so ive been eating lots of fish and steamed vegetables.
summer is really starting to get boring/depressing. maybe i'll throw a barbeque.sounds fun.
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| i'm a terrible person... |
[27 Jun 2005|10:12pm] |
going through a self-loathing phase. why am I so malevolent? Why do I have to hate everything? I am such a jealous bitch. if only i could take a retreat and go to like a mountain in tibet and meditate and reexamine my values and stuff.
to do:
homework
be places on time
eat healthily
make new friends in summer school
stop being a jealous bitch
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[15 Jun 2005|03:42pm] |
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you know, i am always reading all this obviously great literature like dostoievsky and sloan williams and stuff but i always end up liking matilda and harriet the spy the most. Those books, along with dear mr. henshaw and from the mixed up files of mrs. basil e frankweiler, will never, ever be topped. like in harriet the spy, "if marion hawthorne doesn't look out she's going to turn into a lady hitler." if i had a band or any musical creativity whatsoever i would write songs about harrison withers and mrs. honey - they never get old.
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| autumn holds no secrets on how summer was spent |
[15 Jun 2005|03:10pm] |
S-i love the name sloan, like on ferris bueller. How does that sound to you?
F-like a brand of urinals.
i honestly think that one of these days i am going to just be walking down the street or at the gym or "condensing" plants at my job, and i am going to keel over. seven thirty is so early, its killing me. If I wasn't so wiped out in the morning, i would really be into contemporary history. If i took it during the school year it would be my favorite class. yesterday we watched this documentary on the 50s from a and e and it is so freaky and fascinating. ( i know im sounding like a nerd) Easily the most interesting thing i've learned about this year, except maybe the impressionists from art history, who all fought and slept with each other and hung around in cafes. or TWOOD, best book of the year. everybody loved that book.
but mostly, i look back on sophmore year and everything i learned seemed so boring and useless, like pre calculus and chem and the way too easy music we played in orchestra. The only cool (but totally useless) Subjects were art history and great ideas. why are the subjects that make you money the boring ones?
Contemporary history is great just because it is the only class i have ever took (besides drivers ed) that is actually useful. there are so many samenesses to the vietnam war and the war in iraq right now.
anyway. Cross country pre season started yesterday. it is so so hard. On top of being exhausted from summer school i feel like a sack of bricks. I long for the days when i felt like a little leaping gazelle. oh well. this season is going to be rad. i'm going to work really hard.
i saw a deer in the city by tiramisu the other day, just running through the street looking terrified. I hope it got to the country alright.
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| top five shows that i wish were in syndication but aren't |
[10 Jun 2005|01:06pm] |
pete and pete
the wonder years
daria
hey monie (This was on bet a couple years ago and was awesome)
are you afraid of the dark
basically any show that was on nickelodeon in the early nineties.
the top five best albums
in the aeroplane over the sea-neutral milk hotel
music from the adventures of pete and pete - polaris
lucky dumpling-moonpools and caterpillars
tigermilk-belle and sebastian
all that you can't leave behind- u2 just because it holds a lot of emotional weight- it was playing nonstop in my house for a total of two years.
any soundtrack from a wes anderson movie
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| DIRTY DANCING ahh |
[18 Apr 2005|10:32pm] |
(MOVIE) (I. Had. The time of my life, and i never felt this way before)
Sarah : Oh god its so cheesy
FOLEY: You know, I really like this song. seriously.
this is why i adore nathan foley
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| the sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like a flower... |
[04 Apr 2005|11:41pm] |
elope with me miss private and we'll drink ourselves awake
we'll taste the coffie houses and award certificates
a privy sealed to keep the feel of nineteen sixties style
we'll comment on the decor and well help the passer by
and at dusk when work is over we'll continue the debate
in a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare
the catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
the pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
he goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
he knows that drink affects his speed he's praying for a door way
back into the life he wants and the coffession of the bench
life outside the diamond is a wrench
movies to rent
on the waterfront, the wild one, scent of a woman, christopher guest movies, sean of the dead, i heart huckabees,
recent movies
sin city, monty python, incredibles, gosford park, milo and otis, to catch a thief
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| PERHAPS the laziest day of my life |
[04 Apr 2005|10:39pm] |
Monday morning
(four am) curse daylight savings time. Wonder about art history paper I have to write on dadaism and how it is due in roughly six hours (Should I have stayed all day at alex's grandmama's watching gosford park?). Fall asleep on bed while re-watching gosford park.
(five am) Wake up. Convince myself that I really need sleep,and that i don't have my art history paper done at all, so, after mild half-groggy deliberation, go downstairs and lie to mom, telling her I have cramps. Fake groan while curling up on downstairs couch.
(five thirty am) feel guilty, then fall asleep.
(Ten o clock) Wake up feeling rather gross. Decide i don't feel hot enough to pull off the gorgeous new skirt i bought.
(eleven) Go to school. REalize my art history paper really wasn't due after all. Go to orchestra and talk to alex about neitzche and ax deoderant spray. (it really does work, guys). Laugh at mr. bassett as he yells in vain for the class to please stop talking.
(Twelve) Learn in the bathroom that Foley is apparently my boyfriend. Was someone intending on telling me this? Feel weird, then get used to the idea and start to like it.
(Two)spend hour in great ideas, a class reeking of acrid milk. Apparently, mr. mckinley, after swearing off dairy for like, a new years resolution, left a gallon of milk in his refrigerator. A chemical reaction took place over time, as happens in a spoiled hug of milk, and the thing just exploded all over the room. to me, this is quite the amusing story.
(three) Go to track practice for pre race, smiling like an idiot. Get sunburned. Shins hurt, so walk half of the requisite two miles.
(Five) Go to hyvee with mom. Feel slightly odd at realizing a whole new hy-vee era has begun, one sans eddie and all his friends (They aren't there anymore). think back wistfully to the days when it was basically the center of the universe. run into my old science teacher mrs. fessler.
(six thirty) Watch milo and otis with claire. Down whole bowls of coco puffs. realize what a genius movie milo and otis is, with dudley moore as narrator.
(Seven) Talk on phone with Foley. Wonder if i'm ladylike enough. Learn a girl that rejected him is crushed because she still has feelings for him. Feel guilty about this making my day.
(seven twenty) hang up with foley, feeling apprehensive and wishing he was a little more clear on what he wanted. Start thinking about Eddie and how romantic he was. Start to miss Eddie. feel confused.
(eight) Watch nc beat illini in ncaa final title and talk about consumerism with socialist father.
(Ten) Think i shoudl really get around to doing the art history paper.
SO it goes...The tv is being moved downstairs. End of story. it is taking over my life. That and the coco puffs.
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[27 Mar 2005|05:32pm] |
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Dignan: Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!
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| so there's this guy in a rowboat |
[27 Mar 2005|04:56pm] |
things are decidedly less desperate.
At my grandparents house. bored, so i'll do what all anal obsessive compulsives do (I imagine) when they're bored. Make lists of things.
MOVIES THAT I WATCHED IN THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS TO GET OVER A BREAKUP
-Romie and Michelle's high school reunion (So there's this guy in a rowboat going X miles, and the current is going like, i don't know, some OTHER miles, and like, how long does it take for him to get to town? It's like "Who cares? Who wants to go to town with a guy that drives a rowboat?")
-The way we were. (your girl is lovely, hubble)
-Anchorman (Where'd you get those clothes from, the toilet store?)
-Sex in the City my new obsession. ("Have you ever been in love?" "Absifuckinglutely.")
I think that the best thing to do after a really devastating breakup is to watch (not romantic comedies like everyone says) But either really ridiculous funny movies or really old, classic movies with handsome men like george peppard or (sigh) marlon brando. Independent films just make you really depressed. I think its like a rule. independant films always have to have bittersweet to utterly depressing endings.
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Foley and I watched Clerks and Kill Bill. Its so choice having a guy friend. I would highly recommend it. I think we're going to prom together. (I never thought i would get excited about PROM, but i'm already thinking about what i'm going to wear.) I hope i made it clear that its a friends thing. What kind of mess have i gotten myself into now? He's wearing a kilt. (But, as he said, keep it on the down low)
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| shes losing it |
[21 Mar 2005|09:59pm] |
yes, its been like half a year. I need a place for my thoughts. I've never been so fucked up in my entire life.
When did everything become such a huge mess? I don't know what to do. i keep trying to get out of this huge hole but I keep falling back in. I seem to just be like subsisting and not really living. I'm not happy anymore. I'm constantly berating myself. ("you ass, no one likes you, you're getting fat, he's the one that won, he came out on top, you're all alone, you desperate loser")
yes, when did this happen to SARAH? I used to be so on top of things. I get dumped and my world comes crashing down. I need to get out of this, not only for my own good but for the good of people around me. My friends and family are fed up, i'm losing them. I'm losing myself, as corny and melodramatic as this sounds. I don't know who i am. I can't sleep without the television on. I eat everything in sight. I've gained ten pounds. I can't stay on top of my homework. I blow off track and cry at every little thing that goes wrong. All day at school i'm worried that i'm acting desperate, i'm always wondering if i'm saying the right thing, if i seem normal enough. I hate that he's there. It makes me weird and anxious and insane. I hate myself for letting this happen and for killing the relationship. If I had been smarter I would have held on to it. I would have done things right.
and that's not the only thing. It's been two months. In the words of Alex, "people get over like, the deaths of their mothers in less time".
I really really hate myself. I know I need to get past this, but I think
I'm resisting because that means letting go of Eddie for. Ever. I can't seem to move on. As a therapist would say, "First you have to actually want to get over it." My mom is going to kick me back into therapy. Big help that was the last time (oh, trust him, you have trusting issues." I just got hurt last time.) GET ME OUT OF HERE WAKE ME UP!!!
OK, calm down. i need to get through this week. I'll do what i always do in times of turmoil. I'll make a list.
THIS WEEK I NEED TO
-Go to track. Work my ass off to shave 30 seconds off that damn 6.27 mile.
-Stop trying to accidentally bump into Eddie. If I see him, smile sexily and walk by
-Get through:
English Paper
Math Test
Spanish Presentation
math worksheets
math make-up test
-Go shopping. Need:
concealer
clothes
-Take skirt to dry cleaners
-Make appointment with counselor. Talk about:
COLLEGE
Foreign exchange
-Call my Therapist
-Try and get SOME sleep
-do not cry NO MATTER WHAT
When did I become so overwhelmed? Did I depend on him so much to keep me grounded?
It's so weird. All of a sudden he stopped loving me. It came out of left field. I feel very discarded. I've become one of those desperate girls.
Ugh. I miss him. Girls have it tough. They can't call.
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[12 Sep 2004|10:14pm] |
Friday was fun. Jane and I went to this concert that (for once) i didn't count down the minutes till it ended. I hate pretentious stuff. Then i had to run on saturday. I love the springfield course. it's in this big park with all these trees and streams and people just hanging out. Here no one goes to the park unless they're getting drunk or having sex. (ew)
And it was cool, there was an airshow going on, so aswere fighter jets and sky writing and everything. and i improved my time by two minutes from last year.
and my birthday party was fun, except that i was like, a total spaz that spilled water and didn't know how to pay. And, uh, carlos, the waiter that used to be cute and flirty, is now just freaky. Tiramisu won't get my business for a while. Because of that, and yeah, i can't afford much.
I'm really glad everyone got along. It was very breakfast club. Jane came over afterward and spent the night, but it wasn't very eventful. We both fell asleep right away, because we're overworked teenagers.
Church started today. I am such a geek. I love church. My perrier splattered over everyone when i opened it. other than that, though. It was good. i talked to rob so i was in a happy little cloud all day.
i think i may have to quit cross country. I can't play piano anymore.
my grandparents and i had a big long conversation about the meaning of the word strapping. Grandpa and dad think it just means muscular, but its more of a je nais se quoi thing. Grandpa understands strapping. I think you have to be a girl.
I don't know why, it could be the season or something, but i'm so content and happy with where i am at this moment. I have such an interesting life.
I'm watching pretty in pink. I don't know if i like ducky or blaine better. Ducky is the best, but everytime blaine comes on i sigh. Guys make me sigh. And ducky has style.
"You know what an older woman does to me?"
"Changes your diapers?"
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[09 Sep 2004|11:04pm] |
If there is no God,
Not everything is permitted to man.
He is still his brother's keeper.
And he is not permitted to sadden his brother
By saying that there is no God."
Czeslaw Milosz
Something I (and everyone) should keep in mind.
"I've always wanted to read Proost. So in a conversation I could bring it up: As Marsell Proost would say..."
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[09 Sep 2004|10:56pm] |
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My scary coach/drivers ed teacher was nice to me! He asked me how my audition went, and then he said i'm doing better this year. I'm going to try really hard to get most improved runner this year. Who ever thought that i'd turn out a jock? it's really weird. I'm doing so much stuff this year, and i'm at that beginning of school phase where i do everything and throw myself completely into everything. Right now i'm working hard, but by third quarter i'm convinced i'm going to be tired and faking sick. quite depressing. Jane and i compiled a list of the best books from our childhood last year and i found it: Dear mr henshaw from the mixed up files/the view from saturday a wrinkle in time catalyst The trolls walk two moons (Did it taste a little like blackberries to you?" Might be my favorite book of all time. Reading my journal from last year, it struck me: I has such low self esteem. That will be my goal this year: To not hit a slump and to be confident and try to be happy (or not annoying) I had a kind of defining moment today. Claire had the mountain goats "going to georgia" on late afternoon today, and i was lying in my bed looking at the sun on the trees and i felt just so peaceful. I read this thing in an old new yorker about heaven and how some people think you pick one great moment and relive it over and over for all eternity. Of course, i don't believe in that, but it got me thinking. I went running today, saw ruth kipping riding her motor bike. She was stupid and told me i should ride it. Now i can proudly say ive wiped out on a motor scooter, and i have the scars to prove it. Why can i not talk to guys? Eddie is hard and any other guy it even more difficult. Adam Kurjanski gave me a ride to Xc and i couldn't even think of anything to talk about. Awkward. anyway, that was my day. Tomorrow is friday. I have such a busy rest of weekend that i'm not planning to do anything but rest and sleep and maybe go to the cross country spaghetti night. I'll have italian two days in a row. things are getting better: I've discovered Frued, and the great movie, THE ICE CREAM MAN! ladies and gentlemen, the word of the day is... "strapping."
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| Freud late at night |
[07 Sep 2004|12:37am] |
Here I am, after three very eventful weeks. When school started I was very depressed, with everything new and boring and...schoolish. But after getting used to everything, i'm ok. i can handle everything.
The large things that have happened.
School started. I. Hate. School.
Jane and i aren't talking nearly as much as we used to as our schedules don't allow it and it's worrying me.
cross country. My coach is also my teacher and he scares the hell out of me.
I got asked to homecoming and i'm going with this guy that i really like but not in THAT way and it's very awkward.
My birthday was yesterday. I am sixteen and i still can't drive.
orchestra kicks ass because alex is there and its like old cello times.
probably going back to good old europe sometime soon with grandparents.
I didn't get into the opera. Poo. Disney world it is, then
So anyway, right now, I have been a very irresponsible. I have a race tomorrow, and i haven't carb-loaded, been to practice, or gone running for three days. The diet's on hold, because it was my birthday weekend. I still have'nt started my homework, really, and it's 24h30, as they say in london.
i have to write a LETTER to Sigmund Freud. What the hell do I write about to SIGMUND FREUD?? I'm just like, yeah, i agree with everything like human sexual instinct and so on and so forth. Great ideas is such a bullshit class. It's english. Why do I have to write an essay about FREUD?? Yeah, he kicks ass, but i dont' want to write about him. And i think i'll blow off math. And I have to edit poetry. It's just, this weekend felt so much like summer and i'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. All i want to do right now, frankly, is watch the kill bill movies that i got for birthday presents and THE ICE CREAM MAN or Claire's gilmore girls dvd. People should know not to give us movies. I sit around and watch them and i never get anywork done.
and what the hell am i supposed to write about to FREUD?? i only have six hours.
i'm going to die. I just want to read cosmo and forget about philosiphy for a while. I'm so sick of trying to be pretentious.
church starts in a couple days. The unitarians are such hippies. We are supposed to bring water representing where we went over summer for the ritual communion. I'm bringing an evian (For switzerland) and a perrier (for france). I just wonder where the heck i'll be able to find a perrier or a pellegrino in quincy, il.
i really miss adult swim, too.
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[18 Aug 2004|01:07pm] |
happy anniversary of the publication of lolita, my favorite book. every one should go out and read it.
yesterday at cross country they made us run eight miles! i'm so glad to be on the team again.
jane just called! we talked about schedules. I have orchestra and lunch with her. No other classes. This is terrible, terrible.
Good news, however. She said that everyone who tries out for opera usually gets in. la boheme!
i use so many exclamation points!!!
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[17 Aug 2004|01:09pm] |
there's an elvis song called yoga is as yoga does. haha
i had a dream last night that claire died of a terminal illness. I woke up crying. It was so scary.
claire, however, had a dream about dumplings. or something
i'm bored. there's nothing to write about.
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| tom waits! |
[16 Aug 2004|10:29pm] |
today i woke up with dread in my heart- CROSS COUNTRY STARTS TODAY!
but i walked to painting lessons/piano teaching. i cannot teach this kid. Hes lucky he's so sweet, because he's just off the wall looney. He wants me to play game cube with him. the sad part is, this seven year old could probably kick my ass. (on game cube)
but painting calmed me down. I love it, even if i'm not so good at it. It's very therapetic. You get sucked in and the world just kind of melts and all you can think is mixing colors and drawing. It was quiet except for music. Peggy likes lucinda williams and tom waits. I painted through two whole albums.
and cross country was great!! Except i had to call coach anders because i didn't know what time practice started. He is so scary, like, "I'm gonna EAT you!" he's the best coach i've ever had though, and i've had around seven. I ran quite well, on my standards. i have a feeling that cross country won't be quite the torture it was last year. (it might actually be...kind of...fun.
they were right. the first year is probably the hardest.
theo got to go to the prada flagstore. i'm so jealous.
kristen called. I love her.
and JANE COMES HOME TOMORROW!!!
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| olivia is the cutest kid ever |
[15 Aug 2004|10:23am] |
A conversation with ashley's little sister:
O-who was it that ate the apple...adam or eve?
me-i think it was eve...but i'm not the one to ask.
O-i think it was eve, because girls like red, shiny things. you should read the bible.
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